22 posts tagged “humor”

AP writers must have automated tools to supply equivalent units of measurement in articles destined for foreign readers. At least, that's my guess after reading this:

Rumbold also questioned whether a high performance car such as the LS Lexus 600h--with a powerful 1.3-gallon (5-liter) V-8 engine and a top speed of 155 mph (250 kph)--is actually the best use of promising hybrid technology.

So, what on earth is a "1.3-gallon" engine?

"Yes, I'm house shopping, and I won't settle for anything smaller than 100,000 gallons."

(Time was all us Yanks would have called it a 305-cubic-inch engine. That hasn't altogether disappeared, but these days it's more common just to hear liters.)

Oh dear. I thought the tire shoes were silly. Now this.

KUMHO ECSTA DX Aroma car tires roll out with lavender scent; don't ask why

I'm shopping for tires. I was doing some Google research when I happened upon the following press release. No further comment needed.

New Line of Men's Casual Footwear Inspired by New Michelin Primacy MXV4 Tire

GREENVILLE, S.C., June 4 -- On the heels of successful North American launches of its line of industrial work boots, Babolat pro tennis shoes with Michelin technology and frameless all-weather wiper blades, Michelin announced today the introductions of an all-new casual footwear line and the introduction of the new Michelin(R) Primacy(TM) MXV4(R) touring tire that inspired it at Alabama's premier racing facility, Barber Motorsports Park in Birmingham.

In extending its brand beyond tires, Michelin aims to bring the quality, performance and innovation synonymous with its tires to a diverse range of lifestyle products, including lines of industrial, casual and performance footwear.

Like all Michelin footwear, the MXV4(R) line is designed 'from the inside out' with rigorous testing to provide uncompromising comfort and performance in terms of grip and durability. The MXV4 footwear line features two outsoles, inspired by the tire tread sculpture of the same name, and full- grain premium leather uppers in variety of different styles with colors to suit the most fashion-forward lifestyles.

"The Michelin name stands for innovation, performance and mobility worldwide," said Tom Costin, president and CEO of Michelin Footwear. "Footwear industry insiders and consumers will continue to see many of Michelin's popular tire-tread sculptures creatively captured in footwear outsoles," added Costin. "When wearing them, it's easy to recognize the benefits of each sculpture's design are directly in line with the type of footwear and its performance needs."

  Additional features of the MXV4 footwear include:

  -- Patented Advanced Rear Suspension cushioning system for a comfortable heel strike.  The multi-chambered, shock-absorbing heel pad is positioned between the insole and midsole.

  -- Traditional hand-sewn components to retain the shape and integrity over the life of the shoe.

  -- Agion(TM) antimicrobial forefoot liner to provide effective odor control and resistance to fungal-related foot disorders over the life of the shoe.

The new MXV4 footwear line will carry a Manufacturers Suggested Retail Price (M.S.R.P.) range of $79-$120 (U.S.) and be available in specialty retail stores and upscale department stores throughout the United States and Canada beginning in the fall.

Developed by Michelin Footwear, a division of Gear Six Technologies LLC, Michelin's official worldwide licensee for footwear, the MXV4(R) line is being distributed by IGE 3 Corporation, a division of Geoffrey Allen Corporation located in Secaucus, N.J.

Dedicated to the improvement of sustainable mobility, Michelin designs, manufactures and sells tires for every type of vehicle, including airplanes, automobiles, bicycles, earthmovers, farm equipment, heavy-duty trucks, motorcycles and the space shuttle. The company also publishes travel guides, hotel and restaurant guides, maps and road atlases. Headquartered in Greenville, S.C., Michelin North America (http://www.michelin-us.com/) employs more than 22,000 and operates 19 major manufacturing plants in 17 locations.

You've likely seen the occasional spray-painted or stickered addendum to a stop sign: "Stop Bush," "Stop This War," "Stop Smoking," whatever.

Well, occasionally I drive by the one below, and I am always impressed by the imagination and intellectual depth of the true graffiti artists who created it.

Stop Fuck

This morning I visited the popular Internet domain registrar GoDaddy.com. There I was informed of the fast-disappearing opportunity to purchase the domain name retard-monkey-fish-squirrel.info. At a whopping $15, they were charging a large premium (percentage-wise) over their usual registration fee. Clearly there is a massive scramble for this one. Ahem.

Retard Monkey Fish Squirrel

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be viewing those revealing SI photos of Danica Patrick.

On NPR this morning, Clinton adviser Harold Ickes told a reporter, "We think that Hillary has been vetted for the last 15 years, there is not another shoe in her closet to drop...."

This curious statement works for me in no less than four (4) ways.

1. Have we been waiting for the other shoe to drop, or were there skeletons in her closet? When one stock phrase doesn't convey the situation, just mix it with another one, right?
   
2. "Not another shoe in her closet to drop" makes me think of a gigantic shoe collection crashing abruptly to the floor, with a few stragglers dropping afterward. This is a very entertaining image, particularly when irrelevantly linked to Sen. Clinton.
   
3. Point number two (2) implies Hillary Clinton has a shoe collection Imelda Marcos would be proud of. I don't know why I think this is funny. I just do. Hell, maybe it's true.
   
4. Combined, the above three (3) points imply that there were so many skeletons and/or shoes in Hillary Clinton's closet that even one of her advisers has to admit it took fifteen (15) years to address each one and convince the public she could be trusted. What kind of statement is that to make about your candidate?

I'm not anti-Hillary. It just made me laugh.

The headline of an article at Cincinnati's wcpo.com proclaims "Candidates Fit In Weekend Stomping In Ohio."

Um...stomping whom, exactly?*

Wait. Maybe they left out a hyphen. Maybe it's supposed to be "weekend-stomping." And maybe "fit" is an adjective. That would translate to "Candidates are physically fit during their stomping of a weekend in Ohio."

I'm just so confused.

*Does anyone actually use the word "whom" anymore?

Via Rubrick, I present to you Garfield Minus Garfield.

Warning: I almost injured myself laughing.

("Something Wrong with My Pants" might be my favorite, but "We Can Do Something about the Future" is definitely giving it a run for its money.)

I could swear they're saying "Rectal U."

I don't know what kind of school that is, but the exams must be unforgettable.

Wrecked on You

The Vibrators

Via rubrick comes this meme:

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, add styling and layout, and you've got yourself an album cover.

My result, brought to you with kind permission of snorkie128:

Dinner Like a Pauper

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